Oh, how I wish I didn’t have fairly recent experience enough to write this article. I mean, it’s been 4 years, but I remember the pain of the breakup like it was yesterday. If you’re reading this and are going through a breakup, I’ve been where you are. I journaled and remember it vividly.
It does get better. I promise. I sit here, 5 years on the other side of the breakup, engaged to be married.
Breakups can leave us feeling shattered, worthless, and wondering what we did wrong, but they also present an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Learning to love yourself after a breakup is one of the most profound and transformative journeys you can undertake. Transformative and sucky; I’m being honest.
In the aftermath of heartbreak, it’s essential to focus on learning self-love and developing a healthy relationship with yourself. By learning to accept yourself as you are right now, no matter how painful the process, you lay the foundation for healing and renewal. As the saying goes, “Learn to love yourself first,” because true love begins within. I know that’s not what you want to hear if you’re going through a breakup right now because it’s most certainly not what I wanted to hear.
While the use of inspirational sources like learning to love yourself quotes can serve as gentle reminders that self-love is the ultimate gift you can give yourself, it’s difficult to let it in when you’re in so much pain.
This post is my attempt to teach you what I learned after my breakup by exploring practical steps, emotional insights, and wisdom to guide you on the path of learning to love yourself again after a breakup.
After the Storm: Assessing the Damage
Let’s get this out of the way first: there’s little anyone can say or do if you’re the one who got dumped, especially if you’re like me and it came out of nowhere after nearly 10 years.
Breakups can feel like emotional hurricanes, shaking the very foundation of your identity. The rejection, heartache, loneliness, misery, and pain that follow often trigger feelings of unworthiness and isolation. You might replay moments in your head, wondering what went wrong, what you could have done differently, regretting how you showed up in those moments, and if you’ll ever find happiness with another individual ever again.
These emotions are natural and valid. And they SUCK, which is an understatement!
It’s okay to grieve the loss of a relationship and feel devastated by its absence. Allow yourself to sit with these emotions without judgment. Remember, even in the darkest moments, the storm will pass, and brighter days lie ahead. But know this: the only way out is through. You can take up drinking, meaningless sexual encounters, or any number of things to help you stew in avoidance, but when all that is over, the pain will be waiting right there to greet you.
You must deal with it, and that means sitting squarely in the midst of the pain and heartache.
Isolation can amplify the pain, but it’s also an opportunity to turn inward and reconnect with yourself. This phase, though painful, is the starting point for rediscovering who you are beyond the relationship.
This book couldn’t have come at a better time when I was going through my breakup! It became my ‘Bible’ of sorts.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
And it’ll keep your mind a bit occupied while helping you work through the pain.
Embracing Where You Are
Self-acceptance is a cornerstone of healing, yet it’s often the hardest step. There’s no longer that person to text, go out to dinner with, or fall asleep with.
After a breakup, it’s tempting to criticize or feel sorry for yourself for what happened or wish you were someone different. The propensity to keep checking their social media, going past their house, or calling and texting them is going to be the heaviest. Try your best to not succumb. You’re only going to keep reopening the wound. You have never seen a doctor do a surgery, then come back 4 hours later, cut the person back open, stitch them back up, then come back 45 mins later, 2 days later, 3 weeks later, and keep doing it. The person would never heal.
Instead, focus on learning to accept yourself as you are right now; it is essential for moving forward. The person is gone. The decision has been made. Do not debase yourself, grovel, plead, beg, or promise to change/be different if you get back together. This will only lead to future heartbreak and resentment.
Start by acknowledging your feelings without shame. You may need a therapist to help you with this, and this is okay.
Whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion, these emotions are part of your healing journey. Write them down in a journal or talk to someone you trust—and that person should be forewarned: you may tell the same story and have the same emotions and say the same thing for 3 months straight.
You may even get on your own nerves. You’re not pathetic. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. The path to healing is all but non-linear. Some days you will be fine; other days will absolutely make you feel shredded to bits.
Acceptance also means recognizing your worth, even when you feel broken. Somebody loves you somewhere, I promise. This video helped me so much during that time:
Remind yourself that you are enough, just as you are. Self-compassion exercises, like practicing mindfulness by way of the Balance app (which is typically free for a year), can help cultivate this mindset. It was my saving grace.
Remember, self-acceptance doesn’t mean you have to love everything about yourself right away. It’s about making peace with your imperfections and giving yourself permission to heal.
Rebuilding From Within: Learning to Love Yourself Again
Learning self-love after a breakup can feel daunting, especially when catastrophic thoughts creep in. You might think, “I’ll never find love again,” or “I’m not worthy of a good relationship.” These thoughts, though painful, are not the truth. I had these thoughts incessantly, and I found (weak) evidence of their truth when I finally started going on dates and getting ghosted. But these people simply weren’t who I was supposed to end up with.
Begin by challenging these narratives. Replace negative self-talk with empowering statements like, “I am capable of love and worthy of happiness.” Journaling about your strengths and accomplishments can also help shift your perspective.
This video was also a godsend:
Practical steps for learning self-love include prioritizing self-care. Establish routines that nurture your well-being, such as exercising, eating healthily, and setting aside time for hobbies–or even finding a new hobby. Spoiler alert: No, you absolutely are NOT going to want to get up and be consistent to do your new hobby. Do it anyway.
Treat yourself with the same kindness and care you’d offer a friend going through a tough time.
Building self-love also involves forgiving yourself for past mistakes and letting go of guilt. What’s done is done. Embrace this period as an opportunity to grow and rediscover your passions. By investing in yourself, you create a stronger, more resilient foundation for future relationships.
Filling Your Cup: Learn to Love Yourself First
The time after a breakup is an opportunity to turn inward and focus on self-reflection, self-healing, and self-empowerment. Instead of rushing to fill the void left by a lost relationship, use this time to lick your wounds and rebuild from within. I didn’t do this perfectly and ended up getting hurt again. I tried to make the people in the two serious-ish situationships I picked up almost immediately after my breakup responsible for what had happened in my almost 10 year relationship.
I regret that.
It was not fair to those people.
Give yourself time to be ready. If there’s any apprehension about getting back out there or you have not done the work on yourself, you are not ready.
Ask yourself what lessons the breakup has taught you. Reflect on your needs, desires, and boundaries. This self-awareness is the first step toward creating a fulfilling life, both alone and with others. Here’s yet another video that helped me so much:
Self-empowerment comes from reclaiming your independence and rediscovering your identity. Take up activities that make you feel alive, whether it’s traveling, pursuing a new hobby, or reconnecting with old friends. These experiences remind you of your strength and resilience.
Ultimately, learning to love yourself first means prioritizing your happiness and well-being above all else. When you’re whole and content on your own, you attract healthier and more meaningful relationships in the future.
Wisdom in Lyrics: Learning to Love Yourself Quotes
Music often captures emotions words cannot fully express, and Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All” is a timeless anthem of self-love. The lyrics, “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all,” carry profound wisdom for anyone on a healing journey.
This song reminds us that self-love isn’t just important; it’s foundational. When you learn to love yourself, you create a wellspring of confidence, resilience, and inner peace. It’s a love that no one can take away from you.
Other learning to love yourself quotes can offer comfort and inspiration. For example, Louise Hay’s words, “You’ve been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens,” emphasize the transformative power of self-acceptance.
Integrating these messages into your daily life—through affirmations, journaling, or meditation—can reinforce the belief that self-love is not only possible but essential.
Conclusion
Learning to love yourself after a breakup is a journey of self-discovery, resilience, and renewal.
While the process may feel overwhelming, each step brings you closer to healing and happiness. By embracing your pain, learning to accept yourself, and rebuilding with intention, you pave the way for a brighter future.
Remember, self-love isn’t a destination but a practice. It requires patience, compassion, and dedication.
Use this time to focus on your growth, celebrate your uniqueness, and invest in your well-being. With time, you’ll find that the love you give yourself is the foundation for all other relationships.
As Whitney Houston’s song reminds us, you’ll find “the greatest love of all” inside of you—and it’s a love worth cultivating every day.